Expansion, contraction, expansion, contraction… this wondrous dance of opposites sustains all physical life. But when experienced on mental and emotional levels, can send us for quite a spin.
A chunk of gnarly karma? A radical hormone shift? A personal rite of passage? Grief or loss? Situational upheaval? Climate change? Political disillusionment?
Whatever the apparent source of our unease, more interesting than the cause is how we might learn to work with it.
Much like the stages of grief, any sudden change—be it within us or in our circumstances—is often met with a wave of reactivity. What did I do wrong? Why is this happening? I hate this feeling… how do I get rid of it?
Sometimes denial: I’m fine, thanks—I have the tools. This will pass soon, I’ll just keep busy until it does.
Maybe anger? Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? It’s not my fault. It’s all my fault. It’s all your fault. It’s not fair.
Or bargaining: Surely, if I can just eat, sleep, exercise, and meditate more perfectly, this will blow over? If I can control myself, then I can control the situation, right?
Eventually, we come to realise that it’s both kinder and wiser to mine this difficult experience in whatever ways we can, as an act of self-compassion first, and perhaps service to others, because chances are, if we’re going through it, someone else is too.
Or has done, or will do. Perhaps our personal excavation work will one day support someone else?
Point is, this interim period between shock and gradual acceptance/curiosity can be a very lonely, and isolated place. The shame we might feel for the difficulty we’re experiencing can keep us very stuck.
We avoid the very people and activities that usually bolster us (I think because it hurts even more sometimes when the things that have reliably brought us joy just don’t cut it). And then shame for feeling bad eats at our self worth such that we tend to make shitty choices — choosing quick, short-lived endorphin hits (alcohol/drugs, caffeine, sex, shopping, scrolling) over the deeper satisfaction that comes through true connection and presence.
It takes the heart of a bloody warrior, some very generous positive influences, and perhaps a whole lot of grace to finally take that big step back, and choose curiosity over perfection. To mine the dry brittle earth of our predicament for some rare nuggets of gold.
To challenge our assumptions with as much generosity as we can muster.
To hold to our values like our life depends on it.
And to choose very wisely the company that we keep.
If there is one thing that my counselling practice shows me again and again, it's that most of the time (like 99%) we know what we need. We know what to do. We already possess great wisdom about our situation. But often it takes talking to someone -- in the sacred space of a client-therapist relationship, in a well-held group, or with a trusted friend -- to really hear our own thoughts and our knowing in a way that is undeniable.
Our little (big) dreams, our grief or shame, confusion or bright insight, no longer rattle around in the privacy of our own heads but have been spoken out loud to be claimed or shed by us as we choose.
It's powerful. And it's why I love so much to facilitate groups. Why I've always chosen to work on Teacher Trainings or Retreats over a zillion drop-in classes/week or short workshops. It's why I've spent tons of money over the years being held myself as part of Mentorships, long-term Business Coaching groups, Counselling Trainings, and various other collectives of like-minded women.
Because my God we need each other. To be honest and wacky and grumpy and vulnerable. To witness and be witnessed in our shining divinity and messy humanity all at once.
For all of these reasons I'm putting together the final pieces for a 9-month Virtual Village beginning March through to November 2025. A space in which you'll be held both personally and professionally as you continue to serve your own wonderful communities in all the ways you do. A space of generosity, humour, shared wisdom, and mutual inspiration. For challenging painful assumptions and deepening your commitment to the values and practices that keep you sane. A closed container -- we'll start & finish together, no drop-ins. Chance for an in-person meet-up via retreat.
Details coming very soon. Subscribe to express your interest or be on the list to find out first.
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